siisterabigail:

He bets that it would surprise people to know that he has nightmares. Captain America has nightmares? What does he have to have nightmares about? That’s the question he throws at himself every night that he wakes up screaming, covered in a thin sheen of cold sweat.

Normally his dreams were about the war, about the people he’s hurt. But lately… Lately they’ve been about him. Him being Bucky, or the Winter Soldier. Take your pick; the names are interchangeable…at least in his dreams. At least this was one of the better ones.

At least he didn’t wake up and promptly empty his stomach all over his blankets, and he didn’t think he screamed. (He knew that Tony and Natasha heard the screaming; saw it in their eyes the next morning. Thankfully, they were either waiting for him to bring it up or had enough tact not to mention it.) This time he woke up unable to breathe, hand shooting out to grab his inhaler on instinct. Not that it would have helped. Instead he sank his teeth into the pillow clutched in his other hand and took deep breaths.

He’d love to stop shaking, though, not to mention the tears pricking at his eyes. But he knew how to fix this, well not fix—never fix, but calm himself at any rate. And it was something he taught himself; opposed to Bucky teaching him like everything else.

James Buchanan Barnes is dead. James Buchanan Barnes is dead. James Buchanan Barnes is dead. James Buchanan Barnes is dead. If he repeated it like a mantra long enough it would become true. Or, the wheezing would subside into choking sobs instead, and those were easier to manage.

But it was never flashbacks of their childhood anymore. It was always war, always violence. The Winter Solider pointing a gun at him, or swinging a knife. Or Bucky picking off the people he was fighting.

But this one was different. He was drowning. And Bucky—The Winter Soldier-Bucky was saving him. He woke up with Bucky’s name on his lips.

Bucky was dead, though. He had to accept that and he had to calm down. But this was the only time he had to be Steven Rogers, the only break he had. The moment he walked out of his room he had to be Captain America. And Captain America had to be calm and in control of himself. He couldn’t be having panic attacks. Not that he didn’t, not that he didn’t end up on the floor hyperventilating during the day.

Steve was calming down though, and could finally remove his teeth from the pillow. The sobs would subside slowly, and he could deal with that.

Just like he could deal with the fact that he would have to face the Winter Soldier again soon, and maybe one day face Bucky again. Maybe Bucky could be found, never saved. There was no saving James Buchanan Barnes, just as there was no saving Steven Grant RogerBut just maybe, the Winter Soldier could be saved. And if anyone could do it—

—Captain America might just be the one person to save the Winter Soldier. If not? He’d die trying.